My phone started ringing, the number showed “Women’s College Hospital”. Fuck, did they see something?

“Hi, may I speak with Tannaz?” a lady asked with a warm voice.
Shakingly, I answered, “this is she”.

“You did your yearly MRI 2 days ago, and well, we saw something, we’d like to have you back as soon as possible to do an ultrasound as well. Not to worry though, it is most probably nothing, but we need to be sure” the warm voice said.

“Ok, I will book an appointment”.

Fuck fuck fuck.
But it is probably nothing.
3 years ago they had me go back again, didn’t they?”
Every cell in my head was talking.

I called to book an appointment right after the warm voice hung up.
– Our first ultrasound availability is in 2 and a half weeks.
– But they told me to book it as soon as possible, you know, they saw something.
– Dear, everyone before you on the calendar also has an appointment because we saw something in their MRI.

Going back to the MRI, I must say I am very “privileged” to be on the high-risk program for cancer. A privilege I wish I didn’t have, because I got it after my sister passed away at the age of 50. Cancer took her life one organ at a time, left breast, then right breast, then brain, until it went on to the fucking liver. She would be 55 years old this month if she was here. I will leave it at that.

With my privilege, it comes that I can do the breast MRI and the lovely mammogram annually and, sometimes more than once a year if they see something they need to check.
Side note: guys, the mammogram is not lovely, for anyone who hasn’t done it, they press your boobs till you can’t breathe.
Anyway, my privilege isn’t just about doing these things, what comes with it is a Scare, and I must say I do love this Scare. I cherish this Scare.

Every time I go to the tunnel of MRI or am waiting for the results which take a week, I think of the things I could have done to avoid having the possible big C.
I still hear my sister saying, “when I heard that I had it, I just screamed WHY???”

Well, there are some answers, most of them I understood just last month in this past rendezvous I had with the ultrasound people.

The 2 and half weeks passed, not quickly but they passed.
Walking down the corridor and spelling my name again to the nurse… “T as in tom, A as in apple, N as in Nancy, N as in Nancy again, A as in apple, and Z as in zebra” …felt exactly like Sean Penn in Dead Man Walking, except his name doesn’t need spelling.
We went to the room, there they were, the images of my breasts, casually hanging with some red x on several spots.

Fuck.

The lady did the ultrasound and said, “I’m going to show it to the doctor and if it was nothing, I will come back and release you, if there was something, the doctor will come with me to check it out”.
She left.
She left me with my thoughts,
And all the answers to that “Why”.
Why the fuck did I not eat healthier? I could totally not have 3 big macs in the past 30 days! Not only did I have 3 big macs, but I made everyone at work to have fries and McFlurries. 
Why the fuck did I say yes to doing this and that when I knew it would make me mad?
Why the fuck did I agree to meet those guys whom I knew would hurt me again?
Why the fuck did I go to that event, even when Nariman said let’s skip it and I said, “no I feel obligated”?
Why the fuck did I not get the tickets for that concert we had been waiting for?

After the whys, came the blames.
If I have cancer. Who is to blame?
Who would I cut from my life?
Who would I at least try to see less if I don’t want to cut them out permanently?
Why do I let them hurt me and still hang out with them?

“Tannaz, may we come in?” a male voice asked.
We????
Terrified, “sure”.
The doctor and the nurse came together.
Fuckkkkkk
Now honestly, who is to blame?
Which ones?

The doctor did the exam and said “not to worry, there is a bump, it is probably nothing, we will have another MRI in 4 months to see if the shape has changed.”

Oh.
Ok.

Again, on the EDGE, but you know what, I love this edge now. Nariman said “at least we have 4 more months to have adventures lol.”
Also, I hope I don’t forget that there is no one to blame but me.

I can and should eat healthier (maybe just have the McDonald fries occasionally).
I can and I must cut the ones who really hurt me from my circle of friends.
I can and I should keep distance from the unkind ones.
I must live better.
Every minute counts.

Ladies, I hope you live on the edge too, without having the “privilege” though, I hope no one around you has or had or will have cancer.
You yourselves are the privilege in life,
Check your health, and once in a while, check around you:
To avoid blaming others, to avoid the “whys”.
Life is short, soon it will be too late. If you feel trapped, try to find a way. If you feel unhappy, change your scene (it is not easy, but happy doesn’t come easy). If you long to travel, plan a trip right now. If you want to lose weight, start this very minute. If you want to buy that dress you always wanted, go buy it. If you wanted to tell someone you love them, pick up your phone and call them before a storm comes – any sort of storm.

And don’t forget
#loveistheanswer