I was having coffee with a friend not too long ago, she was telling me stories about her friends getting married, the fun parts of it, the parties and the not so fun parts like paying for dresses and gifts and then she said “Tannaz, I think I have to get married, I literally have nothing to talk about with my friends, all they talk about is  weddings” she continued “ and a couple of years from now they will all want to have kids and I will be left out, these friends are all I know since I remember, I can’t find new friends now, can I?”

Well before getting to “yes you can”,
I have to say, I have had my fair share of “fear of not fitting in” all my life.

There are incidents in life that stick with us like a scene of a movie.

I remember fourth grade and all the talks around teacher’s day about what kind of gifts to get for the teachers and the staff of the school, my dad suggested a new poetry book by one of his close friends who is also a famous poet, I still remember the book and its beautiful poetry, so the night before teacher’s day, we sat down and he patiently helped me write a beautiful note in each book personalized for every teacher, and we packed them. The next morning, HAPPY ME, suddenly felt like falling off a twenty-story building when I saw my classmates with pricy gifts like clothes, perfumes, big luxury bouquets of flowers, boxes of pretty pastries… Some of my classmates looked at me and said: “Books? Really?”

I felt like I was from another planet, and it got worse when I saw the teachers’ and staff’s reactions when opening the presents, they said “Merci” but they were actually saying “a book? Are you kidding me? A poetry book??” on their faces.
However, my science teacher, Ms. Saidi, took all my anxiety away when she opened the book, read the note, and couple of days later, read one of the poems in class!

If I could go back in time, I would hold on to Happy Tannaz that I was, the morning of that teacher’s day. I would feel proud to be different, to be even made fun of by the teachers who would prefer chocolates over a poetry book, but oh well, we can’t go back in time, at least not in my lifetime.

We lose a lot of our dignity, our true self, and our precious time, on the subject of not fitting in.
But the thing is, aside from learning to feel comfortable in our own skin, if we still don’t fit in, we need to change our circle. Those we surround ourselves with, will impact and navigate our lives.

To anyone who says I didn’t have good influence and role models in my life, or that I was raised by a traditional Mom or in a closed-minded family,
I’d say,
Bullshit.

We are surrounded by all types of beliefs and lifestyles all the time; it is up to us to choose what our values are and who we want to surround ourselves with.
Sometimes without knowing it, we feel trapped in a group of friends that we have nothing in common with, but we still can’t break free.  

20-something years ago, my first ever translation was published – a short story. I was the word “happy” walking down the street, and the night it got published, I was going to a gathering of a group of friends, whom, at the time, I thought were all I knew. I took the magazine with me and told them about my first published word. When I saw no genuinely happy reaction, I put the magazine down, thinking “these are my close friends, shouldn’t they pick up the magazine, see my name and be proud of me?”
NO ONE TOUCHED THE MAGAZINE.
I needed to break free of that circle, which I was clearly not fitting into. But I was scared and ended up staying for a while, which brought me a lot of unhappiness until I finally broke free from them.

The fear of not fitting in stays with us and hits us even when we think we don’t give a damn about it.

Several years ago, I, the immigrant with an accent, was attending 9:00 AM Monday meetings at our cool King Street West office. Before the meetings started, everyone would be talking about the damn show “Game of Thrones”, they would talk about it for about 20min every time! So, after several meetings, I felt the need to fit in, I who never liked fantasy fiction started watching the show! And to this date, I feel like I have wasted 80 hours of my precious time watching something I didn’t even like. I only did it to try to fit in, to say that “I am like you.” It took several years for me to know that some of them liked me because I didn’t fit in; they liked that I was different, they actually liked me, not the persona.

The only place we need to fit in and explore and keep trying to fit in perfectly, is our own skin,
Once we do that, life gets prettier,
Then we can alter the shoulders, tighten the back, and make it nicer in our own skin,

Then we will break free and find new friends who see and appreciate us just the way we are.
Losing a group of friends is way more worth it compared to losing our time, our lifestyle, and our true sense of self.
Fear is there, we can’t deny it, but once we break free, we’ll be able to smile at it and move on.

Jewel, one of my favourite poets and singers, said:
The things you fear are undefeatable.
Not by their nature,
But by your approach.

Be bold, dress however you like, be expressive whenever you want, don’t hold it in,

Fitting in is in our everyday life:
From being at a dinner table debating on saying “I don’t like salmon” when everybody else does, to having look-alike engagement rings, to watching the most popular shows or listening to the trendiest music, and the list goes on…
When we go back through our memories, the ones that are distinctive are the ones that were different and made a difference.

My dad who always encouraged me to be different, took me one afternoon to buy a pen. It was the teacher’s instruction to buy a specific pen to help us write better, my dad who made events out of everything, took me to a coffee shop first where he had tea and I had ice cream, we talked about music and the new play I was going to participate at school, then he took me to his favourite stationery store.  At the time, there were quite a few stores that only sold stationery.

I wanted to pick a pen like the ones my classmates had, the green and black which was trendy,
But Dad showed me a silver one, a classic one, and he made me write my feelings right there in his black notebook he always used to carry and whispered in my ears, “See how soft the pen writes? Soft as your feelings.”

Be inconvenient.
Be too much.
Don’t fit in.

And don’t forget,

#loveistheanswer