The hiking day was going nicely, my partner and I, some close friends, and some of their close friends. After the hike, the nice friends of friends invited us to go to their house and have a late lunch. Nothing went wrong during lunch, but then for some reason, a discussion started on what if you have a kid and your kid is gay. Someone said, “Well, I would have preferred a normal kid, but I would try to cope with it.” My blood started boiling, but I kept quiet. After all, we were in our friend’s friend’s house, and my partner used to tell me to try to be “civilized” and not get into all idiotic discussions. I kept quiet, but thankfully there were others present who objected to this ridiculous comment. One of the guys, who is a scientist and a very respected member of society, said something like, “Being gay is a sickness, you have to treat them as sick people.” I nearly jumped out of my chair, but I saw my partner’s face begging me to sit down and be quiet,  at the time I thought I lacked the knowledge or words to effectively challenge him, so foolishly, I stayed silent. I bit my lips and did not say anything to not make a scene and to not put my friends in the middle of the mess. Everyone chose silence because he was kind of an “important person.”

I keep blaming myself since that day; four years have passed, but still, every time I think about it, I feel so much shame.

All that silence has haunted me.

We have been wired to be good girls. “Non-confrontational” has always been a “good quality” in people, among friends, at work, and in family dynamics.

Most people prefer not to be confronted nor confront anyone and just nod along and be silent.

They have a point, non-confrontational, agreeable people might be more lovable, they get invited to more social events, they most likely get hired quicker, and they are as they say “easy”.

They never want to lose the love of a mom, a sister or a close friend. They want to be their boss’s favourite.

But, and this is a very big BUT, by being non-confrontational or silent, we are failing civil rights. By failing in civil rights, we are failing in our status as a friend, as a child, as an employee.

There are injustices, great and small, in this world, and even if we only fight the small ones, at least we are fighting. Our fight might be seen as a revolutionary act. But our fight might benefit our workplace, our fight might inspire our sisters to also rise.

Some people say, “Things are much better now,” or they say, “I’m not part of the problem,” and offer us some tired example as to why this is all no big deal.

When you look closer, you see everyone is part of the problem. The second you choose silence, nodding and smiling instead of challenging an issue, you make yourself part of the problem.

Some say, “Stop complaining.”

Some say, “The world is not like that anymore. Is it?”

It is getting better unless you find yourself in the wrong place at the wrong time, where things are still messed up.

Sometimes that wrong place is your home, the one place where you should be able to feel safest.

Some time ago at a gathering, I called one out. I had a bad day and was triggered by men, to begin with. One of my close friends at the time, who was a smoker, went around the room and asked all the guys if they would like to join him on the terrace for a smoke. He didn’t ask any of us girls. I stopped him and complained, “So how come you are only asking the guys?” He paused as if he had never thought about this issue before and said, “I don’t know, I didn’t think about it.”

I believed him.

Sometimes it is just awkward. I am sure this has happened to you: to be at a party and someone tells a joke that isn’t funny, based on homophobia, sexism, or ageism, but it endorses their feeling of popularity.

Laughing along means endorsing the Joker who will definitely be repeating that joke for its “funny” effect. I get it, it’s uncomfortable to be the one not laughing at a popular person’s joke, but in doing so you’re compromising your own integrity.

When I am not brave enough to confront, I push myself to leave the scene and show my protest by not being present. If you still don’t have the stomach not to laugh, at least leave.

Sometimes it is not just about jokes. You look up to someone who does something inappropriate, yet you don’t get the courage to speak up.

You fear losing your idol. But by doing nothing, you are a collaborator in the act. You will be judged based on that silence. It is hard, I know. It is hard to fight and not be jolly all the time, but it is also liberating to be part of a change, even if the change is as small as stopping someone from being funny by making fun of others.

My boss was saying last week,  in challenging times, effort is what is expected. Effort makes you feel satisfied. Effort shows that you care, even if you don’t succeed in the goal, at least try.

Let’s make the effort to create a kinder world until we no longer need to keep having this conversation. One step at a time is what we cheer for.

And don’t forget,
#loveistheanswer