(The “why now” question)

“Divorce is a Failure”
My best friend’s mom used to say.

Ironically, not only she was in a miserable marriage, living with a husband who didn’t appreciate her one bit, but her 2 brilliant daughters were also trapped in horrible relationships.

Every time I would bring up the topic that “but there are happy couples out there”, she would say with her trembling voice that DIVORCE IS A FAILURE.

This D word has put a big, ugly, dark umbrella on women’s lives to settle for less than they deserve.
Society expects you to be likeable, to be a perfect go-along-with-it kind of lady, and will look down on women who dare not to tolerate a terrible marriage, who dare to want real passion.
That D word has lots of angles.
They are scary, resentful, and make you nauseous. I want to talk about one of these horrible angles today.

The infamous, notorious question that comes with it when people hear “divorce”:
Why now?
When someone says, “why now”, I just want to slap them or at least slap them in the face in my head while smiling, I want to try to make them understand,
Why the fuck NOT nowwwwww?!

This question comes with all divorces:

After a 41-year marriage
After a 5-month marriage
After a 17-year marriage
After a 7-year marriage
After a 30-day marriage

“Why after 41 years, they should have figured it out by now”
“Why after 5 months, couldn’t they solve their issue before the wedding?”
“Why after 17 years and 2 kids, she should have known better”
“Why after 7 years, we thought you made peace with getting a beating from him once in a while”.
Yes, people are that cruel sometimes. 

This angle of the D word also makes women settle and not move out of their miserable lives, just because they either have to answer this judgmental question, or be a part of other people’s conversations.

It is sad that the ones who ask this question don’t realize that it takes a massive amount of courage for someone to get out of an officiated relationship, because of the paperwork, the expensive party, or the super expensive wedding that was involved.
The ones who ask this question, forget that people have different capacities, people also change, and change can come in a day or in 40 years. They also forget that going through divorce is painful, whether it is after 30 days or 17 years.
The ones who ask this question don’t realize that they themselves might be trapped and the actual question goes back to them: “why the fuck are you still staying?”

I want to say it in capital letters and scream:
DIVORCE IS NOT ONLY A FAILURE, BUT IT IS A VICTORY.

Look at it from this perspective:

Someone got fed up and left = bravo!
Someone grew when the other partner settled for less = a victory!
Someone got cheated on = good for both, every ending is a new beginning!
Someone grew out of love = time for a new adventure!

It shouldn’t be an occurrence to frown upon, on the contrary, it should be admirable, that someone finally after days, months, or years has decided not to settle for less than what’s possible for themselves.

There should be a party for divorces too, like a wedding, but to celebrate the freedom of the trapped one who got the courage to get away.

I actually held a party for myself to celebrate my freedom.
And I remember every second of it.
I bought a blue dress for myself, and I had a blue-themed party and invited all my girlfriends to celebrate this freedom, to cherish myself for surviving.
I still remember those faces, all 28 of them.

Before I get to the faces, I should add I am good friends with 4 of them now, on a social media basis with 3 of them, on a hello basis with 5 of them, and the rest disappeared – or better said, ran away. They ran from this free woman who knows herself better now, they ran because feeling happy is contagious, feeling free is infectious, and the ones who don’t want a taste of it have to run.

Those faces looking at me thinking “she is pathetic, she will be miserable, alone in her 30s and alone is worse than being in your 30s and not happy”.
Halfway into the party, I decided to enjoy my night, danced for myself and then sat on the patio staring at the moon, cherishing the moment.

For what it’s worth, marriage is more challenging than a divorce.
With marriage come new relationships to deal with: hard, complex, and sometimes impossible. With the in-laws, with your partner’s friends who might not like you, it will bring more life responsibilities.
But when you go through divorce, you are facing a new chapter of your life; a whole new adventure list is waiting for. You have more time on your hands, and if you are smart, it means cutting a lot of people from your life who don’t deserve you. So, when you come to think of it, in an unhappy relationship, divorce is more exciting, more exotic, and more like a victory.

PS: having said all that, I hope you are happy in your relationship, and I hope love is flowing in your home. However, if you are not, don’t settle, don’t fall in the trap of the miserable ones. And to those asking you “why”, tell them
to fuck off, and start living the first day of your new, VICTORIOUS, DESERVING life.

And don’t forget

#loveistheanswer